JOY REBEL FASHIONABLY LATE

I'm late, i'm late....

cramming a lot into my life i frequently am late...partly it is because i have a rich and full life, i give, i create, i connect - and all of this takes time

like this morning - after a chance meeting with a friend who warms my heart i was running to get to my smear test in time thinking i don't want to be huffy and puffy when i get the cold speculum treatment (when in actual fact i got told i looked stylish to which i replied "i always get dressed up when people are going to see my vagina")

like now...racing to get up to school to fax a fundraising letter before i start netball training...before i take my eldest to Brownies...

you know Mother stuff....

and then i remembered i had been late for JOY REBEL DAY...

i mean how could i - lax ship and all

Joy rebellion brings joy to my heart -

it makes me snigger

it makes me think

it reminds me to be open to the possibility of joy in all the most unlikely places

it opens my heart like a smile...

so i would like to take this opportunity to bow to the grand generalissimo of Joy Rebellion, Brandi - yep her what cries in church and loves guacamole and thank her for adding this drop of light into the soup of humanity...

long may it last

my actual joy rebellion holiday was filled with cleaning and a brunch with my family - neither of of which light that spark for me - but the reminders about listening to what brings me joy, and answering that call and not sinking into bitterness or looking at the cost of something to measure it and truely being connnected to what brings joy to my spirit and marvelling about how i could have come out of the same stock as them...

well it brings me joy coz i know i am breaking patterns - ancient bone deep patterns - that no longer serve me as a human...

and choosing joy is one of them....

and as for the cleaning i did - well that was purely to please others but i felt so damn self righteous i might just try it again...

HUZZAH FOR JOY REBELS EVERYWHERE and HUZZAH FOR THE JOY REBEL HOLIDAY (late)

longtime no see

ahhh

all is well in my world

well apart from being run over by my menstrual cycle ...(but this comes with all the other blessings of being woman - toenail polish without strange looks, making babies, not having to be a metrosexual to have a facial.....)

and bareing my soul for all to see at the "anger change for mothers" course i am doing... (no i am not in need of child protection on my speed dial - i just find myself shouting at my children in a way that i would never shout at anyone else... in a way that my rational mind is busy saying - "this is not OK, for heavens sake stop the volume, just let it go..." while my irrational self is going all whirling dervish banshee on the most gorgeous children she knows!!!)

I have also this week put mens undies over my head and taken a photo for all the world to see - (well the SARK forum wonderfuls anyway)

I have been spotted writing "joy" in chalk on walls, fences, floors and pathways ... thanks to BRANDI!!! (when i figure out how to make links i will)

I have seen the closing of the online circle i belonged to with the luscious GoddessLeonie and Charlie...

I have made a belly cast - to welcome a life....

I have made a boob cast- to farewell a breast ....

I have grown and changed and been sad glad and mad (why are they sad mad and glad - i do not know go ask your Dad)

and i am damn glad to be alive!!!!!

a bad day at the office

My job is being a Mum - sometimes a good enough one

sometimes a nowhere near good enough one....

and yesterday i had a bad day at the office...

My daughter has crappy teeth - up until yesterday - it is all over now (this is a message to my subconcious and hers to get those teeth perfect.. NOW!!!)

and i can assure you i have beaten myself up sufficiently for anything that races through your head about how can you??? don't you clean them??? etc to pale incomparison!!!

She lost a filling a few weeks ago and yesterday was d (for dentist) day .... i sedated her and bribed her (guinea pigs now instead of Christmas)...

but she was so terrified

of the needle

so terrified

of having to make herself submit to something that she knew was going to be painful,

when ever fibre of her being said RUN RUN RUN

I had to make her lay back

i had to make her open her mouth

i had to make her take that pain of the injection....

every part of her (except a tiny part of her nearly 8 year old brain which is sensible and old beyond her time and understands the practicality of teeth with holes) wanted to run and there i was betraying that

there i was holding her hand

blabbing on with platitudes...(sometimes in life there is crappy stuff we just have to go through...)

offering bribes (guinea pigs)

offering threats (no guinea pigs)

sweating

wanting to run out of there and cry myself

seein the total terror in her eyes and knowing that there was no way out but through....

why does an 8 year old need to know that ...

ahhh

but we made it and luckily the filling did fall out because the tooth beside it was so crap that the dentist had to pull it...

so i sit here grateful

ready to start another day of mothering, preparing to start talking AGAIN about making healthy choices

and guess what my littlest lovely has just called out "MUMMMMMMMMY"

AND Another day begins

thanks for reading

SO here is my next thought

today i got out of the car to take the poodle for a walk

to watch her smile

to move my body

to be by the river

i got two or three minutes in before i realised i was walking... i was so busy in the list in my head, (dog groomer's, photocopiers, drop stuff at Carole's, make Christmas mince pies....blah blah blah)

that i hadn't realised i was walking, being carried up to the river, by my legs on automatic pilot...

so i took a breath, let it out and thought i would enjoy being in my body and the water

and like a gift, ablove my head (i know that is a spelling mistake but i love it so it stays - this is my blog after all!) in the next tree

only 4 feet away

were two tui

[IMG]http://i335.photobucket.com/albums/m467/faerian/DSC_0042.jpg[/IMG]

going about the business of declaring their love to each other - puffed up and singing......

the thing with tui is they sing mostly above our hearing register... and i watched these two throwing open their beaks, puffing out their feathers and just SINGING ......

and i thought about how much i need to be seen and heard

and how much it hurts me when i am not

and how much does it really matter - what matters is singing for myself...

for my soul...

for my hearts own joy


and i was filled up

i hope this fills you too

(especially for Brandi who saw me!)

the first thing i think

the first thing i think is shit do i have anything to say

am i really putting these random thoughts out into the ether

am i really vain enough to think someone might want to read this

i think i need a cup of tea